A couple on their honeymoon, lying in bed, honeymoon suite Tinto Hotel, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've only been with one guy before."
"Oh yes? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yes it was."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yes? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yes? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The guy, not to be outshone slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.
When they finish he's really tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole.
English Sms Jokes
Monday, February 2, 2009
Politically Correct
THIS IS A NONPARTISAN JOKE THAT CAN BE ENJOYED BY BOTH PARTIES!
NOT ONLY THAT-- it is POLITICALLY CORRECT!!
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened?'
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning.. ..
Today you voted.
NOT ONLY THAT-- it is POLITICALLY CORRECT!!
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened?'
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning.. ..
Today you voted.
Ever Played Poker
Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you £500.'
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.
Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 pm. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of £500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.
Jim quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'
With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you £500?'
Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me £500.'
Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the office this morning and borrowed £500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player . . .
English Love Sms Jokes
Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you £500.'
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.
Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 pm. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of £500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.
Jim quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'
With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you £500?'
Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me £500.'
Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the office this morning and borrowed £500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player . . .
English Love Sms Jokes
Little Johnny strikes again....
The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and
we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'
The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
fascinate, not fascinating'.
Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see RockCity and I > was fascinated.'
The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the
word 'fascinate'
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been
burned by little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate',
so she called on him.
Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'
The teacher sat down and cried.
English Funny Sms Jokes
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and
we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'
The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
fascinate, not fascinating'.
Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see RockCity and I > was fascinated.'
The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the
word 'fascinate'
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been
burned by little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate',
so she called on him.
Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'
The teacher sat down and cried.
English Funny Sms Jokes
Obama v Genie
While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the sand and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said,
"Master, may I grant you one wish?"
Osama responded, "You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything."
The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."
Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you." The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.
The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton at his side. His pen!s was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.
English Funny Sms
"Master, may I grant you one wish?"
Osama responded, "You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything."
The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."
Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you." The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.
The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton at his side. His pen!s was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.
English Funny Sms
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Exam Paper In New Style
Funny Exam Paper
[This one's little difficult than last year's]
1. Write your name in less than 20 minutes and 20 letters (only alphabet are allowed, no numeric
digits or "_" allowed)
2. Sex?
( ) Male
( ) Female
( ) Don't know.
3. What's your age group?
( ) less than 0
( ) equal to 0
( ) greater than 0
4. What is 2 + 2=?
( ) FOUR
( ) 4
( ) IV
5. If you have one brother, how many brothers
does your brother have?
( ) none
( ) one
( ) question is too personal
6. Complete the following sentence... (4marks)
______ ________ ________ _________ .
7. If there are 365 days in a year, how many days make a year?
Vpaki.Com
8. Read the statement carefully and answer the following question:
"My mother's daughter's brother's mother's mother's daughter's husband's wife is my mother herself".
Q. How many times the word "mother" appears in the above statement?
( ) None
( ) some times
( ) uncountable
9. If someone gives you a rupee for 100 paise, would you get:
( ) One rupee?
( ) 100 paise?
10. Write an Essay on "MYSELF" in not more than three sentences...
(HINT: My Name is ___________ (same as in [1] ).
I am a _______(boy/girl). (I am writing an essay.)
11. If the time is 3.00 a. m., what does your digital watch show?
12. At what time does the 11.16 hours Indrayani Express come?
13. What do you do on a honeymoon?
( ) Collect Honey
( ) Admire Moon
( ) Collect Honey while admiring the moon
14. Earth is Flat?
( ) False
( ) Indeed False
15. If A = B and B = C then is B = A?
( ) TRUE
( ) NOT FALSE
( ) OUT OF SYLLABUS
Sardar Ji Sms
16. If you eat lunch during lunchtime, what will you have during dinnertime?
17. Think and write the present tense of THOUGHT.
18. Complete the following poem:
Mary had a little lamb
Little lamb little lamb_ (HINT: "." or "@" or"^")
19. This is question number
( ) 1
( ) 19
( ) 20
20. If 2 + 3 = 5, 3 + 2 = 5??
( ) YES
( ) I FORGOT TO GET MY CALCULATOR
21. Write full form of ASAP, as soon as possible ( Hint...As Soon as.. )
22. Opposite of the word "IN" is
( ) NOT IN
( ) CRICKET
( ) HOCKEY
23. What is the capital of India?
( ) India
( ) INDia
( ) INDIA
24. a, e, i, o and u are collectively called "vowels". What are e, a,o, u and i called?
25. Fill in the blank:
I am _________ a letter.
( ) READING
( ) WRITING
( ) SEALING
26. Who was the first MAN to land on moon?
( ) MR. ARMSTRONG
( ) MISS ARMSTRONG
( ) MRS ARMSTRONG
27. What comes first?
( ) the Egg
( ) the Omelet
28. Can you count more than five using your hands?
( ) YES
( ) NO
29. Spell M-Y-T-H-O-L-O-G-Y
30. Mrs. Sinha is Mr. Sinha's
( ) Father
( ) Brother
( ) Son
( ) Daughter
31. Car A starts from X and car B starts from Y. X and Y are located 100 miles apart from each other. How many wheels does each car have?
( ) One
( ) Four
( ) Seven
32. To reach the 12th floor of the World Trade Center, how many buttons would you press in the elevator?
( ) ONE
( ) TWELVE
33. Complete the following series [this question carries 3 marks]
1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, _, _, _.
34. This one tests your imagination. SUN is nearer to India than AMERICA because...
( ) SUN is smaller than AMERICA
( ) One can see SUN, but not AMERICA
( ) I do not have any time left to think on this one.
35. On which day Good Friday falls
( ) Sunday
( ) Wednesday
( ) Saturday
[This one's little difficult than last year's]
1. Write your name in less than 20 minutes and 20 letters (only alphabet are allowed, no numeric
digits or "_" allowed)
2. Sex?
( ) Male
( ) Female
( ) Don't know.
3. What's your age group?
( ) less than 0
( ) equal to 0
( ) greater than 0
4. What is 2 + 2=?
( ) FOUR
( ) 4
( ) IV
5. If you have one brother, how many brothers
does your brother have?
( ) none
( ) one
( ) question is too personal
6. Complete the following sentence... (4marks)
______ ________ ________ _________ .
7. If there are 365 days in a year, how many days make a year?
Vpaki.Com
8. Read the statement carefully and answer the following question:
"My mother's daughter's brother's mother's mother's daughter's husband's wife is my mother herself".
Q. How many times the word "mother" appears in the above statement?
( ) None
( ) some times
( ) uncountable
9. If someone gives you a rupee for 100 paise, would you get:
( ) One rupee?
( ) 100 paise?
10. Write an Essay on "MYSELF" in not more than three sentences...
(HINT: My Name is ___________ (same as in [1] ).
I am a _______(boy/girl). (I am writing an essay.)
11. If the time is 3.00 a. m., what does your digital watch show?
12. At what time does the 11.16 hours Indrayani Express come?
13. What do you do on a honeymoon?
( ) Collect Honey
( ) Admire Moon
( ) Collect Honey while admiring the moon
14. Earth is Flat?
( ) False
( ) Indeed False
15. If A = B and B = C then is B = A?
( ) TRUE
( ) NOT FALSE
( ) OUT OF SYLLABUS
Sardar Ji Sms
16. If you eat lunch during lunchtime, what will you have during dinnertime?
17. Think and write the present tense of THOUGHT.
18. Complete the following poem:
Mary had a little lamb
Little lamb little lamb_ (HINT: "." or "@" or"^")
19. This is question number
( ) 1
( ) 19
( ) 20
20. If 2 + 3 = 5, 3 + 2 = 5??
( ) YES
( ) I FORGOT TO GET MY CALCULATOR
21. Write full form of ASAP, as soon as possible ( Hint...As Soon as.. )
22. Opposite of the word "IN" is
( ) NOT IN
( ) CRICKET
( ) HOCKEY
23. What is the capital of India?
( ) India
( ) INDia
( ) INDIA
24. a, e, i, o and u are collectively called "vowels". What are e, a,o, u and i called?
25. Fill in the blank:
I am _________ a letter.
( ) READING
( ) WRITING
( ) SEALING
26. Who was the first MAN to land on moon?
( ) MR. ARMSTRONG
( ) MISS ARMSTRONG
( ) MRS ARMSTRONG
27. What comes first?
( ) the Egg
( ) the Omelet
28. Can you count more than five using your hands?
( ) YES
( ) NO
29. Spell M-Y-T-H-O-L-O-G-Y
30. Mrs. Sinha is Mr. Sinha's
( ) Father
( ) Brother
( ) Son
( ) Daughter
31. Car A starts from X and car B starts from Y. X and Y are located 100 miles apart from each other. How many wheels does each car have?
( ) One
( ) Four
( ) Seven
32. To reach the 12th floor of the World Trade Center, how many buttons would you press in the elevator?
( ) ONE
( ) TWELVE
33. Complete the following series [this question carries 3 marks]
1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, _, _, _.
34. This one tests your imagination. SUN is nearer to India than AMERICA because...
( ) SUN is smaller than AMERICA
( ) One can see SUN, but not AMERICA
( ) I do not have any time left to think on this one.
35. On which day Good Friday falls
( ) Sunday
( ) Wednesday
( ) Saturday
Rules Of Indian Cinema
1) Two brothers separated in childhood will always grow up on different sides of the law. The law-breaker, however, will suddenly turn over a new leaf before the end, bash up the villain (who is the *real* bad guy), and be pardoned for all his sins before the last-scene family reunion. (This is possible only if he has a heroine - see rule 2 below).
2) if the number of heroes is not equal to the number of heroines, the excess heroes/heroines will a) die b) join the Red Cross and take off to Switzerland before the end of the movie.
3) If there are 2 heroes in a movie, they will fight each other savagely for at least 5 minutes (10 if they are brothers).
English Funny Sms
4) Any court scene will have the dialogue "Objection milord". If it is said by the hero, or his lawyer, it will be overruled. Else, it will be sustained.
5) The hero's sister will usually marry the hero's best friend (i.e. the second hero). Else, she will be raped by the villain within the 1st 30 minutes, and commit suicide.
6) In a chase, the hero will always overtake the villain, even on a bullock-cart, or on foot.
7) When the hero fires at the villain(s), he will never
a) miss
b) run out of bullets. When the villain fires at the hero, he will always miss (unless the hero is required to die, as in rule 2).
8 ) Any fight sequence shall take place in the vicinity of a stack of a) pots b) barrels c) glass bottles, which will be smashed to pieces.
9) Any movie involving lost and found brothers will have a song sung by
a) the brothers
b) their blind mother (but of course, she has to be blind in order to regain her sight in the climax)
c) the family dog/cat.
English Love Sms
10) 10. Police inspectors (when not played by the hero) come in two categories:
a) Scrupulously honest, probably the hero's father - killedby the villain before the titles.
b) Honest, but always chasing the anti-hero (as in Rule 1), saying "Tum kanoon se bach nahin sakte", only to pat him in the back in reel 23. Usually, this inspector's daughter is in love with the anti-hero.
c) The corrupt inspector, (usually the real villain's sidekick) unceremoniously knocked about by the hero(s) in the climax.
2) if the number of heroes is not equal to the number of heroines, the excess heroes/heroines will a) die b) join the Red Cross and take off to Switzerland before the end of the movie.
3) If there are 2 heroes in a movie, they will fight each other savagely for at least 5 minutes (10 if they are brothers).
English Funny Sms
4) Any court scene will have the dialogue "Objection milord". If it is said by the hero, or his lawyer, it will be overruled. Else, it will be sustained.
5) The hero's sister will usually marry the hero's best friend (i.e. the second hero). Else, she will be raped by the villain within the 1st 30 minutes, and commit suicide.
6) In a chase, the hero will always overtake the villain, even on a bullock-cart, or on foot.
7) When the hero fires at the villain(s), he will never
a) miss
b) run out of bullets. When the villain fires at the hero, he will always miss (unless the hero is required to die, as in rule 2).
8 ) Any fight sequence shall take place in the vicinity of a stack of a) pots b) barrels c) glass bottles, which will be smashed to pieces.
9) Any movie involving lost and found brothers will have a song sung by
a) the brothers
b) their blind mother (but of course, she has to be blind in order to regain her sight in the climax)
c) the family dog/cat.
English Love Sms
10) 10. Police inspectors (when not played by the hero) come in two categories:
a) Scrupulously honest, probably the hero's father - killedby the villain before the titles.
b) Honest, but always chasing the anti-hero (as in Rule 1), saying "Tum kanoon se bach nahin sakte", only to pat him in the back in reel 23. Usually, this inspector's daughter is in love with the anti-hero.
c) The corrupt inspector, (usually the real villain's sidekick) unceremoniously knocked about by the hero(s) in the climax.
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