Funny SMS Kraze

Top 22 things an Indian does after returning to India from "US".



22. Use Nope for No and Yep for Yes.

21. Tries to use credit card in road side hotel.


20. Drinks and carries mineral water and always speaks of health conscious.


19. Sprays deo such so that he doesn't need to take bath.


18. Sneezes and says 'Excuse me'.


17. Says "Hey" instead of "Hi".
Says "Yogurt" instead says "Curds".
Says "Cab" instead of "Taxi".
Says "Candy" instead of "Chocolate".
Says "Cookie" instead of "Biscuit".
Says " Free Way " instead of "Highway".
Says "got to go" instead of "Have to go".
Says "Oh" instead of "Zero", (for 704, says Seven Oh Four Instead of Seven Zero Four)


16. Doesn't forget to crib about air pollution. Keeps cribbing every time he steps out.


15. Says all the distances in Miles (Not in Kilo Meters), and counts in Millions. (Not in Lakhs)


14. Tries to figure all the prices in Dollars as far as possible (but deep down the heart multiplies by 43 times).


13. Tries to see the % of fat on the cover of a milk pocket.


12. When need to say Z (zed), never says Z (Zed), repeats "Zee" several times, if the other person unable to get, then says X, Y Zee(but never says Zed)


11. Writes date as MM/DD/YYYY, on watching traditional DD/MM/YYYY, says "Oh! British Style!!!!"


10. Makes fun of Indian Standard Time and Indian Road Conditions.


9. Even after 2 months, complaints about "Jet Lag".


8. Avoids eating more chili (hot) stuff.


7. Tries to drink "Diet Coke", instead of Normal Coke.


6.. Tries to complain about any thing in India as if he is experiencing it for the first time.


5. Pronounces "schedule" as "skejule", and "module" as "mojule".


4. Looks suspiciously towards Hotel/Dhaba food.


Few more important


3. From the luggage bag, does not remove the stickers of Airways by which he traveled back to India , even after 4 months of arrival.


2. Takes the cabin luggage bag to short visits in India, tries to roll the bag on Indian Roads.


Ultimate one:
1.. Tries to begin conversation with "In US ...." or "When I was in US..."

Reason why never visit a 5* Hotel


Question : "What would you like to have ..Fruit juice, Soda, Tea, Chocolate, Milo, or Coffee?"

Answer: "tea please"

Question : " Ceylon tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea, Ice tea or green tea ?"

Answer : "Ceylon tea "

Question : "How would you like it ? black or white ?"

Answer: "white"

Question: "Milk, Whitener, or Condensed milk ?"

Answer: "With milk "

Question: "Goat milk, Camel milk or cow milk"

Answer: "With cow milk please.

Question: " Milk from Freeze land cow or Afrikaner cow?"

Answer: " Um, I'll take it black. "

Question: " Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?"

Answer: "With sugar"

Question: " Beet sugar or cane sugar ?"

Answer: "Cane sugar "

Question:" White , brown or yellow sugar ?"

Answer: "Forget about tea just give me a glass of water instead."

Question: "Mineral water or still water ? "

Answer: "Mineral water"

Question: "Flavored or non-flavored ?"

Answer: "I'll rather die of thirst

Do Not ever ask ur BOSS a salary Increase!!!!This is what it happens !!!


After 2 years of selfless service, a man realized that he has not been
promoted, no transfer, no salary increase, no commendation and that the
company is not doing any thing about it. So he decided to walk up to his
manager one morning and after exchanging greetings, he told his manager his
observation.

The boss looked at him, laughed and asked him to sit down saying "My friend,
you have not worked here for even one day". The man was surprised to hear
this, but the manager went on to explain.

Manager: How many days are there in a year?

Man: 365 days and some times 366.

Manager: how many hours make up a day?

Man: 24 hours.

Manager: How long do you work in a day?

Man: 8am to 4pm. i.e. 8 hours a day.

Manager: So, what fraction of the day do you work in hours?

Man: (He did some arithmetic and said) 8/24 hours i.e. 1/3 one third.

Manager: That is nice of you! What is one-third of 366 days?

Man: 122.

Manager: Do you come to work on weekends?

Man: No sir.

Manager: How many days are there in a year that are weekends?

Man: 52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays equals to 104 days.

Manager: Thanks for that. If you remove 104 days from 122 days, how many
days do you now have?

Man: 18 days.

Manager: OK! I do give you 2 weeks sick leave every year. Now remove that 14
days from the 18 days left. How many days do you have remaining?

Man: 4 days.

Manager: Do you work on New Year day?

Man: No sir!

Manager: Do you come to work on workers day?

Man: No sir!

Manager: So how many days are left?

Man: 2 days sir!

Manager: Do you come to work on the National holiday?

Man: No sir!

Manager: So how many days are left?

Man: 1 day sir!

Manager: Do you work on Christmas day?

Man: No sir!

Manager: So how many days are left?

Man: None sir!

Manager: So, what are you claiming?

Man: I understood Sir! Thank you sir for all the money you have been giving
me, I am sorry for trying to steal from the Company !!!

A husband wakes up at home with a huge hangover.
He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees
is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.
He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed. He looks around the room and sees that
it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table.
"Honey, breakfast is on the table, I left early to go grocery shopping.
Love You!"

Totally shocked with the note , he goes to the kitchen and
sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating. He asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious.
Broke some crockery, puked in the hall, and gave yourself a black eye
when you stumbled into the door". Confused, the man asks,
"So, why is everything in order and so clean, and
breakfast is on the table waiting for me?
I should expect a big quarrel with her!"
His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom,
and when she tried to take your clothes n shoes off,
you said,



"LADY LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M MARRIED!"

Moral
Self-induced hangover - $ 400.00
Broken crockery - $ 800.00
Breakfast - $ 10.00
Saying the Right Thing While Drunk – "PRICELESS "


There are truly some things that both money and Mastercard can't buy

Your Life in 2010....See IT.........~~~~~

To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!


If you needed a break from life, click on "suspend".


Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.



To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.


To "add/remove" someone in your life, click settings and control panel.


To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.


If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.


When you lose your car keys, click on "find".


"Help" with the chores is just a click away.


You wouldn't need auto insurance. You'd use your diskette to recover from a crash.


We could click on "send" and the kids would go to bed immediately.


To feel like a new person, click on "refresh".


Click on "close" to shut up the kids and spouse.


To undo a mistake, click on "back".


Is your wardrobe getting old? Click "update".


you don't like cleaning the litter box, click on "delete".

If you messed up your life, you could press "Alt, Ctrl, Delete" and start all over!!!

Funny FIFA 2010 World Cup questions


These are actual questions posted on a South African Tourism Website by foreigners from around the world (posted in bracket) and were answered by the website owner (great sense of humour!).



Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa ? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? (USA)

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.


Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, its only two thousand kilometres take lots of water...

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa ? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes...

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa ? Can you send me a list of them in JHB, Cape Town, Knysna and Jeffreys Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South Africa? (USA)
A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific. A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which does not...oh forget it. Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday night in Hillbrow. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is north in South Africa ? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and well send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into South Africa ? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Hillbrow, come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa ? (France)
A: No, WE don t stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in South Africa ? (USA)
A: Anywhere where a significant number of Americans gather

Q: Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa ? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Are there killer bees in South Africa ? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we ' ll import them.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year round?
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I was in South Africa in 1969, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Hillbrow. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will probably still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.